Stare Bene vs. the Pursuit of Happiness

In Italy, when someone asks you, how are you? Come stai? It's a sincere question, how do you stay? Are you well?  I've seen Italians that I ask this pause, tilt their head and give me a look, like, wow, thank you for asking and caring how I'm staying.  In America, it's more of a greeting.  It's another kind of "Hello" or acknowledgement of your presence rather than a sincere inquiry on your status.  Whether you're having a good or bad day, typically the person asking, your co-workers, classmates, and the check out clerk at Walgreens, isn't sincerely interested on a full, in-depth analysis. He or she is just being friendly. 

And on top of that, how often do you stop to reflect on how you are?  Once a day? Once a week? Unless you make time for it, it's easy to not think about it and just stay focused on juggling various priorities which yields the shallow answer of fine, great, or good, thanks.

In Italy, staying well is something important.  With your friends or significant others, staying well with them is what's important.   Staying well alone with yourself is also important if not moreso. Ligabue sings about it in "Eri bellissima": "stai bene li con te?" "Are you well with yourself there?"  

And staying well with yourself through changes and new experiences is also important. One of my students explained to me that before studying abroad in America 20-some odd years ago, he broke up with his then girlfriend of 4 years because he wanted to be alone while embarking on this experience. To have the freedom and the space to change and grow personally.  He realized what was best for him and did it.

This idea of staying well with yourself lends to this external acknowledgement and objectivity of looking at the self.  I feel like Italians are able to step outside of themselves, not take themselves too seriously, and be self-aware.  One student described to me how he suffered as a child, and he was very matter of fact about it.   It's like an external, 360 degree analysis of self with acceptance.  That's how it is.  They're also able to step out and say, it's not a good moment in my life right now.  You would never say that in America.  People would look down on you because A-you're struggling, B-you showed weakness.

In America, what's important is doing well and being happy. Being happy with yourself, with your significant other, and with your job.  That's the goal.  I think the seeds for this present-day cultural goal of happiness were sown by Founding Father, Thomas Jefferson, when he declared that the pursuit of happiness as a right in the Declaration of Independence.  

But honestly, Tom, is this a destination that can be reached? And then what? Live happily ever after? For forever with no problems? Life is filled with never ending sorrows and joys. What about staying well?

Ultimately, pursuing happiness is a unachievable goal.  Happiness, however, can be found in the pursuit of goals. Perhaps a balanced update to this part of the Declaration would be the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of goals while staying well.  Because what is reaching our goals without having stayed well?

Blues Brothers and Italy

February 21, 2014

Growing up in Chicago, you know the know the film, Blues Brothers. At least, that's how it was for me.  It was staple of my childhood.  My dad, my brother, and I would quote lines from the film.  I was a Blues Brother for Halloween when I was 12 years old.  It was a source of cultural pride.  The film shows some fantastic parts of Chicago, what it means to be a Chicagoan and from the Midwest.  At least, partially, what it means.  I had the film memorized.  

When I got my first apartment in Chicago, I was especially thrilled that my bathroom window overlooked the el (at the Paulina Brown line stop), just like the apartment in Blues Brothers, but just not as noisy.  At that time, I was working at a law firm and regularly went to the Daley Plaza, City Hall, and the County Building, all seen at the end of the film, to file, certify, and retrieve documents.  And later while working in radio sales, I often used Lower Wacker Drive to enter or exit the city.  (And movie aside, going to the Billy Goat, which Belushi and Aykroyd made famous with their Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, no Coke, Pepsi SNL sketch, is a place you go to once in a while.  I don't really like their burgers, nor the chips, but I love going there.  It's a beautiful, little hole in the wall.  I adore Second City, too, the improv club where those guys made their start.)

After being here in Milan for a about a year, I had moments of homesickness.  So, you know what film I watched, that made everything feel better and the world seem right again:  Blues Brothers.  

Well, there's some sort of Blues Brothers cult following here.  About a week after watching it, I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show live for the first time.  The two hosts at the beginning were dressed as the Blues Brothers and came out to their theme music.  Then I slowly began noticing it more and more everywhere.  Blue Brothers were used in advertising signs for a terrible, yet super cheap gym.  And when I tell people that I'm from Chicago, a common response is, oh, like the Blues Brothers.  I smile and nod, yes, yes.  

But tonight clinched it for me.  Nearing the end of the lesson, my 10 year old student and I had just started playing Go Fish.  I asked him what music he wanted to listen to.  He said, Blues.  Then he said, Blues Brothers.  I was taken aback.  Then he said, Everybody Needs Somebody.  My jaw hit the floor.  I pulled it up on YouTube, and in no time we were watching it.  And he sang along!  We didn't finish Go Fish.  We ended up watching other scenes from the film, and I turned it into a receptive language task on the present continuous.  

Watch out, Chicago.  Italy loves the Blues Brothers, too.

Kisses, Dating, and I Love You in Italian

September 2013 

Dating in Italy is different. No one asks, "what are we?" There's no exclusivity conversation.  It's just assumed that after 2 months hanging out together, meeting each other's friends, that you are a couple.  The only time it's talked about, with the "will you go out with me?" is in middle school.  I like it; it sends a clear message through actions.  That harks back to the cliche, actions speak louder than words.

Baci are kisses which you greet your friends and family with.  It's 2 kisses:  1 on the left cheek first, then 1 on the right cheek.  The Spanish greet also with kisses, but they start on the right cheek then go to the left cheek.  The Dutch greet with 3 kisses, left, right, then left.  It gets confusing at times depending on who you are talking to and where you are.

Now, often, friends will conclude an email with "Baci"  or "Baci e abbracci" (Kisses and hugs).  This is the normal salutation just sent electronically.  But if you are romantically involved with someone, I am told that you conclude the email with "Un Bacione" (a big kiss) and if you concluded it with "Baci" the other party would be taken aback.  Baci?  Baci are what you give your aunt.  But later I've seen emails from friends concluded with "Un bacione" and I don't know what to think.  An "abbracione" is a big hug.

In America, we say, I love you, to friends, lovers, boyfriends/girlfriends, mothers, fathers, children, etc.  The context you say it within is understood, and it's just one phrase.  The Italian have complexity, delicate layers, like that can be found with the millefoglie pastry or lasagna.   I've heard different explanations.  "Ti voglio bene" is used often.  It means I care about you.  You say it to you family, close friends, and even boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife.  "Ti amo" is reserved for more romantic, intimate relationships, but I don't think it's used very often.  "Mi piachi tu" doesn't really work or maybe it's said when to express a desire to escalate the relationship.